When I Say I Love You More

When I Say I Love You More

“When I say I love you more, I don’t mean I love you more than you love me. I mean I love you more than the bad days ahead of us. I love you more than any fight we will ever have. I love you more than the distance between us. I love you more than any obstacle that could ever try and come between us. I love you the most.”

– Anonymous

– Photo Credits: Tumblr

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The Wedding

The Wedding

I woke up bright and early. My mom came into my room to do my hair into a braid. The same braids she did for me when I went on my first date with him many years ago. I miss having my mom to do this for me, somehow it always warmed my heart. I’m just glad that I have her with me today, to go through it all. Today is the day. A relationship of five years with this man, today he’s getting married. I am not.

I looked into the mirror and tried to look happy. I try putting on a genuine smile which I probably have to use later. I then picked a white dress from my closet and put it in front of me, spinning around in my room while humming a happy tune. Should I wear this today? I would totally look like a kickass, awesome, stunningly beautiful bride in this. And I know he thinks I look beautiful in this.. I put a holt on my thoughts, and place it back. I picked out another dress, while my smile fades.

The weather is great today. I hoped it would rain. But it didn’t. I reached the church later that morning, and saw him standing outside receiving the guests. He was looking bright and suave in his tuxedo, and I wondered if that was the one I bought him. My eyes glanced over to the stalk of rose in his chest pocket, and I shun away from those thoughts. He walks over.

“Hey, I’m so glad that you could make it.”

“Hey yeah, of course I would make time for this, congratulations!” I try my best to say without sounding hypocritical. I flash my rehearsed smile. But I’m pretty sure I sounded bitter, and my smile, broken. He smiles and walks to the other guests. I felt a muscle in my arm move – almost reaching out to grab him. Feelings of nostalgia and melancholy, just from speaking to him.

I walked around the church and saw that it was filled with bouquets of Baby Breaths. The baby breaths that I love. My favourite flower. Our flower. I remember him getting me a bouquet of baby breaths on our anniversary. I choke up a little. Part of me wishes that he was trying to tell me something, something like he still misses me. I was wishing that he would still try to salvage our relationship. But I should know better, that isn’t true. He has her now.

The church bells ring, the guests settle down. The bride enters, they say their vows. He puts the ring on her finger, she on his. They kiss. Everything happened in a flash, it felt like a dream. Or rather, a nightmare. I wonder why I attended the wedding. His wedding.

November 28, 2015 – the day I watched him marry the girl of his dreams.

Goodnight, Dear Neighbour

Goodnight, Dear Neighbour

Marc

Every night as I lay on my bed, I peep through my window over to the bedroom across from mine. The lights are still lit. She’s still up.

Some nights I see her doing work with a serious face. Some nights I see her singing to herself. And there are nights where the lights are turned off before mine. Tonight, she’s doing a little dance which seems like a celebration of some sort. I wonder, what made her so happy today.

She turned over and I dodge, I hope that she didn’t see me this time.

Her lights go off. I wrap myself under the covers, thinking of her, the way she danced. I smile to myself, and this warm fuzzy feeling hits me. I don’t know how long I’ve been feeling this, but every night has ended like this ever since she caught my eye a year ago when I moved in. I wonder if I will ever gather enough courage to speak to her. 

But till then, please be well, and good night, dear neighbour..


Anne

The lights in his room went out. I guess he’s going to bed earlier today.

I’ll stay up a little longer because I can’t seem to sleep yet. Today was a good day, I went for one of the most amazing concerts ever, and I can’t stop thinking about it. Cues a dance move!

I sneaked a peak into his room while doing a twirl so I wouldn’t be so obvious. Wait, was he looking in too? Oh well, maybe I am just hallucinating like the other times. I remember seeing him a few times when I was walking home, and I always felt like he sneaked glances at me, but I was never sure.

I turn off the lights. I wrap myself under the covers and think to myself, will I ever gather enough courage to speak to him? 

But till then, please be well, and good night, dear neighbour..

You Did It Again

You Did It Again

Today.

We had a simple dinner at a pretty nice place. There was a live band. There was good food. There was you.

After dinner, we took a slow walk home. We talked about the things we were busy with recently, we talked about school, we talked about work. We talked about the things you like to do, the food you like to eat, the kind of clothes you like to wear. I felt like I got to know you better, even though we’ve known each other for a long time. It felt really nice.

We reached your place before mine. I was about to say bye, when you asked if it was safe for me to go home alone. You asked if it was too late. You asked if I wanted you to send me home.

As much as I hope I wouldn’t feel so much for that simple question, I failed. I failed to ignore those feelings deep within me that I keep trying to stay away from. Every time when you do things like this, I can’t help but fall for you a little more.

Today, you did it again.

And I fell for it, again.

Forehead Kisses

Forehead Kisses

I never understood how forehead kisses can feel so special. Magical even. Maybe it’s the way he looks into your eyes before he leans forward. Or maybe it’s the way he pulls you closer at your waist. Maybe it’s just how his soft lips caresses your face.

Eyes closed, you smile like you’re 3 years old again. Butterflies in your stomach, you feel like you’re the luckiest girl in the world. Safe and warm, in his arms, and there’s nowhere else you’d rather be.

Is this the guy whom you’re going to spend the rest of your life with? How scary that sounds, but at that moment, when he leans in and pulls you close, you’re fearless. You hold him tight, and as long as he is by your side, nothing seems too difficult to overcome.

Photo source: Instagram @joalong_

Lonely Christmas

She walked along the streets under the falling white snow. Beautiful sky, beautiful buildings, beautiful people. She looked around, realizing that everyone around her were couples. Boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives. But she? She was alone. Not necessarily lonely. But alone. Not necessarily bad. But alone.

It wasn’t always like that though. She loved, and had been loved, by a wonderful man. But then it ended. And on this fateful night, the amazing view, and all the couples who surrounded her, made her think of him again.

Ahh it would be nice if he was here. With me. Haha. Don’t be silly, you.

In a distance, she saw the fireworks display, people laughing, people kissing, people being together, and happy.

I never thought it mattered, but I’m envious. Of all these people, so deeply in love. When did Christmas become a couple thing. When did Christmas become Valentines day.

I don’t know. But I’ll wait. Until it’s my turn to have someone to hold my hand again.

My Dream Guy

Some people tend to say, there is no such thing as falling in love with a type of person. Well yes, I believe there shouldn’t be such things as “my dream man should be the handsome type.” Or “my dream man should be a humorous one.” And I agree, to a certain extent.

No one’s dream partner should be a particular type that describes a superficial characteristic. Because behind that superficial characteristic that interests you, there’s so much more to a person. That alone, is not sufficient.

After that being said, I do hope of a particular type of guy. My dream guy? Must be inspirational, and positive. Someone who is supportive, but at the same time doesn’t blindly support me. Someone who knows to tell me if I’m wrong, and shares his perspective of things, not to prove that I’m wrong, but to genuinely tell me about my skewed views. And how my view differs from his, but also accepts that my views are mine, and not for him to change as he likes. Someone who can hold a proper conversation without taking things personally, talk sense to me calmly and positively, and encourage me even when I’m wrong. Someone who is also kind and forgiving. Someone who can guide me, teach my random things (no matter how big or small), and wants me to excel as much as he wants himself to. A relationship where both parties respect each other, can grow alongside each other, trusting that despite growth there will not be negligence, and in fact more love. That is my dream guy.