When I Say I Love You More

When I Say I Love You More

“When I say I love you more, I don’t mean I love you more than you love me. I mean I love you more than the bad days ahead of us. I love you more than any fight we will ever have. I love you more than the distance between us. I love you more than any obstacle that could ever try and come between us. I love you the most.”

– Anonymous

– Photo Credits: Tumblr

Advertisements

Today, Together, That’s A Gift

Today, Together, That’s A Gift

“I want all the silly things, the tiny things, the little things we so often overlook. The simple pieces of our lives that are precious, simply because we’re blessed with one another. Yes, I want all of that, and I want to celebrate it.”

“And everyday together is a gift.”

— Marisa Donnelly

Photo Credits: weheartit

Because We Cried Together

Because We Cried Together

And then it struck me.

I am in love.

There are happy times. A lot of happy times. We laugh, we have plenty of fun, and we are always very happy together. There is almost never a dull moment.

But it wasn’t just the happy times that I felt like I was in love. It wasn’t the exciting moments that made me realize that I was in love. I knew that I really like this person, but love; that is a whole new ball game. It can be easy to mistake love as many other things, such as happiness, infatuation and even lust. But that one day it struck me and I knew that it wasn’t just that.

How ironic, but what made loving him so apparent was the unhappiness and arguments we had. I did not want to run away from the disagreements, but instead I felt that I wanted to face any sh*t that came in our way, as long as it was with him.

It might have been because he was always so ready to share his thoughts with me, and I’ve never had that with anyone else. It is different this time. I felt like he wanted to conquer the world and its problems with me, and so did I. We had a good (or should I say compatible) system to communicate our problems, and that made me feel that we could take on the world together. Come what may, we can and will fight together, and be there for each other.

That very first time when we had our disagreements, amidst all the tears, there was a weird sense of comfort that it was him I was doing this with. There was a sense of home when I leaned on his chest. And when he wrapped his arms around me, I knew that this was it. I am in love, and wherever we are headed to, as long as with him, I know we’ll make it. 

Because You Thought I Would Wait For You

Because You Thought I Would Wait For You

Today, I met someone.

Someone who is different from you.

He made me smile. He made me laugh. He made me see the world in colours again.

Colours I couldn’t see, when I was waiting for you.

Today, I met someone.

Someone who is different from you.

He held my hand. He brought me to the places I’ve always wanted to go. He looked at me.

He looked at me the way you didn’t.

Today, I met someone.

Someone who is different from you.

He told me he liked me. He told me he loves the way I smile and laugh. He told me he would wait for me.

He told me he would wait for me the way I did for you.

The Wedding

The Wedding

I woke up bright and early. My mom came into my room to do my hair into a braid. The same braids she did for me when I went on my first date with him many years ago. I miss having my mom to do this for me, somehow it always warmed my heart. I’m just glad that I have her with me today, to go through it all. Today is the day. A relationship of five years with this man, today he’s getting married. I am not.

I looked into the mirror and tried to look happy. I try putting on a genuine smile which I probably have to use later. I then picked a white dress from my closet and put it in front of me, spinning around in my room while humming a happy tune. Should I wear this today? I would totally look like a kickass, awesome, stunningly beautiful bride in this. And I know he thinks I look beautiful in this.. I put a holt on my thoughts, and place it back. I picked out another dress, while my smile fades.

The weather is great today. I hoped it would rain. But it didn’t. I reached the church later that morning, and saw him standing outside receiving the guests. He was looking bright and suave in his tuxedo, and I wondered if that was the one I bought him. My eyes glanced over to the stalk of rose in his chest pocket, and I shun away from those thoughts. He walks over.

“Hey, I’m so glad that you could make it.”

“Hey yeah, of course I would make time for this, congratulations!” I try my best to say without sounding hypocritical. I flash my rehearsed smile. But I’m pretty sure I sounded bitter, and my smile, broken. He smiles and walks to the other guests. I felt a muscle in my arm move – almost reaching out to grab him. Feelings of nostalgia and melancholy, just from speaking to him.

I walked around the church and saw that it was filled with bouquets of Baby Breaths. The baby breaths that I love. My favourite flower. Our flower. I remember him getting me a bouquet of baby breaths on our anniversary. I choke up a little. Part of me wishes that he was trying to tell me something, something like he still misses me. I was wishing that he would still try to salvage our relationship. But I should know better, that isn’t true. He has her now.

The church bells ring, the guests settle down. The bride enters, they say their vows. He puts the ring on her finger, she on his. They kiss. Everything happened in a flash, it felt like a dream. Or rather, a nightmare. I wonder why I attended the wedding. His wedding.

November 28, 2015 – the day I watched him marry the girl of his dreams.

When We Reached The End

When We Reached The End

I toss and turn in my bed. Sleepless nights. Eyes dry from all the crying. I turn to the face beside me, trying to find some form of solace, but all I could feel from the view of his back, was coldness. Bitting my lips, I close my eyes and try to fall asleep.

Things weren’t always like this.

We met about a year ago. At a coffee house near my place. He came over to speak to me, and we clicked almost immediately. I felt like he was my soulmate. Such an overrated word, but yes, I found my soulmate. Or rather, I thought I did. He was very nice to me. He was smart; our conversations were always intellectual and challenging, and I always enjoyed talking to him. He was kind, and chivalrous, honestly it was difficult to not fall in love with a man as charismatic as he was. But as they say, “we should love, not fall in love, because everything that falls, gets broken”. And so, I fell.

Months went by and everything was great. We were just like the normal couples. We went for dinners, movies, gym. There were flowers, gifts, surprises. There was so much excitement and happiness. At one point of time, I even thought to myself “this could be it, he could be the one”. I don’t know when it started but soon after, everything started crumbling.

Maybe it was because we passed the so called honeymoon period. Maybe we got too comfortable with each other. Maybe we started taking each other for granted. All the habits or gestures we once found adorable started to annoy us. His burps became one of the things I would chid him for. As well as the way he speaks with confidence I now find so arrogant. He used to like me for my candidness, but now all he says is how demanding I am. I don’t know where we went wrong, and I don’t know how all these quirky things we used to like about each other turned into things we now blame each other for.

At first it was the minor arguments. Then some more arguments. The frequency increased, the volume increased, the vulgarities increased. In a blink of an eye, arguments escalated to heated quarrels. It felt like it was inevitable before one of us exploded. So someone did.

This continued for months. And here we are now, on the same bed, with our backs against each other. Not knowing what to do next. Not knowing how to salvage the situation. Not knowing how to turn back time and restart from when everything was still peaceful.

I don’t know what I can do to make things work, but maybe if I keep trying, it will be enough. I love him, and maybe that is enough. Under the sheets, I reach out to him and put my hand over his chest. Tears welled up in my eyes and I whispered, “I miss you, and I love you.”

My Heart Didn’t Race This Time

My Heart Didn’t Race This Time

Today, your name popped up on the screen to my cell. My heart didn’t race as quickly as before.

My heart did skip a tiny beat though. I thought to myself, oh finally he remembers my existence.

At that moment, many feelings surfaced within me.

A tiny bit of excitement because well, it’s him, The Great. *rolls my eyes a little*

A tiny bit of meloncholy because, it has been awhile since his name popped up on my phone.

And a huge part of me was glad. Because this time, I didn’t feel so much. His name didn’t stick a bone in my throat. It didn’t make me blush. It didn’t make me stutter on my words. This time.

“Do you wanna catch a movie tomorrow?”

And then the question comes. A question that brings me back to the beginning, the start of it all. My heart starts to pump furiously. The butterflies in my stomach came alive again.

“Yes.”

– Photo Credits: Tumblr