What Do You Do When Your Mind Says No But Heart Says Yes?

What Do You Do When Your Mind Says No But Heart Says Yes?

You run. Away. Or at least, try. Try to run away. When your mind says no, trust it, leave him.

Like how Taylor Swift’s song goes, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in”, if you know someone smells like a big mistake, leave.

But of course, no, you can’t. And you won’t. Because your heart says yes. So. You walk straight into the trap. His trap. His tug of war, where he makes the rules. And you? You get pulled along.

Some days, you’re happy getting pulled along. Days when he actually makes time to send you a “Good Morning Beautiful” and you never fail to fall for it. Every single time. Damn you.

And the other days, he disappears. He doesn’t text or call, he doesn’t ask how your day went, he doesn’t apologize for not contacting, he doesn’t explain where he went.

But. “Good Morning Lovely” he comes again the following day. And what do you feel? You feel loved again. You feel like he never left. You forgive him. Without him apologizing. Without him asking for it. Without any form of explanation. You forgive him.

A vicious cycle.

It happens over and over again.

Because you let it.

So what do you do when your mind says no, but heart says yes?

You run.

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I Almost Told You I Love You

I Almost Told You I Love You

I opened the whatsapp conversation to our text messages and read through our last text exchange. It was from a few days ago. And it was pretty boring. It was full of ‘how was your day’ and ‘okay’s. Then I saw you ‘typing…‘. I quickly exited the chat, in fear the blue ticks would appear immediately on your phone when you send the texts through.

I waited for five minutes, but no text from you came through. I was puzzled, so I went back on whatsapp. You weren’t ‘typing…‘ anymore. What did you want to say? What was it? I want to know.

Even if it was ‘I had a great day today’, that is fine, tell me more about your day. Or maybe ‘I had a rough day today’, yes please let me know. Anything really, tell me.

I started typing gibberish in our chat. I didn’t know what to say, but I wanted to say something. Many things came out. ‘How was your day?’, and ‘hello’ and then more. “I love you.”

I stared at my screen, “More than you ever imagined, more than I thought possible, so much I never dared say. I love you.”

It was like I took rocks out of my heart when I typed those words. But I put the rocks back in as I vigorously jabbed the backspace button. I will not ruin a friendship for those three words. I will not lose you because of this. I can’t.

I exited the chat.

Then a message came. From you.

“Hey, I saw you typing something but you stopped. Is there something you wanna say?”

Yes, I just wanted to tell you I love you.

Oh, no it was nothing..”

Just, nothing.

“How was your day? :)”

Mine

Mine

Five minutes to 3am in the morning, I was sitting in bed, thinking about all the things I shouldn’t be thinking about.

You. You are one of those. As usual.

I dip my hands into the bowl of nachos by my bed, reached out for some salsa, and stuffed it in my mouth. I wonder if you’re awake. I go on to Facebook, and I see you online. I click on your name, and was brought to your profile. The first thing I see is a photo of you and a girl. A girl I don’t know. I clicked on her profile, and tried to figure who she could be. Then I stopped. What am I doing. Why should I care who she is. Who am I to care.

Every time someone asks, “Are you guys together?” I always give the same answer, “No we’re good friends!” Just.. good friends.

But no, that’s not what I feel.

It might be a new girl you met at class, or a new girl you spoke to on Tinder, or maybe just a random chick you picked up from Starbucks; all these never fail to somehow prick me a little. Every single time, I fight the urge of wanting to tell all those girls “Fuck off, he’s mine, bitches.” But who am I. Who am I to say that.

And so I try to stop thinking of you; I meet other people. And I’ve met amazing people. He brought me to dinner at a 5 star hotel, and he sent me home that night, not wanting to come in to my apartment, but wanting to see me again the next morning for breakfast. I wanted to say yes, but you were coming over the next day. No hesitations, I told him no. How could I ditch you for someone I just met.

That morning. You bailed out on me for a girl you met while on your morning jog. I laughed it off and told you it was okay, that you should go ahead and enjoy yourself. I think I jabbed myself in the stomach that morning for saying that, for being so hypocritical when all I wanted to do was cry and scream at you over the phone.

That morning I stayed at home, alone. Netflix and chill. Alone. Considering that nachos and salsa aren’t people.

I wish I could scream at you. I really wanted to.

But I also wish I could run to you. I wish I could hug you. I wish I had the rights, to love you.

It hasn’t been easy, and probably won’t start being easy, but maybe, just maybe, one day I’ll be able to answer differently to the people who ask. Maybe one day I’ll be able to say “We’re not just friends.. he’s mine.” Mine.

The Last Time I Saw You

The Last Time I Saw You

The morning sun slid through the curtains. I woke up. Make up still smudged over my face, my cheeks stained with tears. I looked out the window. The skies were grey. So was I. I close my eyes and try to fall back asleep. Careful not to wake you up with my fidget. You wake up anyway.

I try to act like I was still fast asleep. I wiggle to shift my body closer to you. But I feel you push away. I let out a cry, I was hoping you didn’t hear. I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want to leave this bed. This room. This house. You.

I open my eyes to see you seated at the corner of the bed. I guess this was it. I push my face into the sheets, trying to wipe away the stains on my face. I sit up. You didn’t say anything. Neither did I.

I took off the favourite shirt of yours I wore last night. My favourite. The one I always wore when I came over. The one I would never wear again. I changed back into my clothes. I walked to the closet, wondering if I should remove the clothing I left from the other times. I pulled on the door, I took out my clothes. You didn’t stop me.

I finally braced myself to look at you. You looked at me, and for the first time, it was a face I found so unfamiliar. You mumbled something under your breath. As much as I wish it was “Stay”, I knew it wasn’t. All I wanted was a hug. All I wanted was for you to hold me again. All I wanted was for you to tell me to stay. You didn’t.

The last time I saw you, was when I walked out that door. I walked out of a place once so familiar. A place I used to call home. I was screaming for you to hold me. But you didn’t. You let me leave. 

The last time I saw you, you let me leave.

Photo source: Tumlr – warrensebastian