Some days I forget to be grateful.
I get off from work, rush back home for dinner, do a quick workout, shower, and go to bed.
There’s no time for me to think. No time for me to reflect. No time for me to take a breather and just not think about anything.
I fall into deep slumber.
I wake up the next morning, jump off bed, rush to work, and the day starts. Emails after emails, powerpoints after powerpoints, meetings after meetings.
The day ends and the same routine continues.
Today I left office earlier than usual. I had dinner with my mom. And now I finally have time to pen this down. I start scrolling Instagram, and I see happy couples, people spending time with their families, people traveling. And then it hit me, I haven’t felt grateful in a long time.
Grateful that I have a family to spend time with, grateful for friends, grateful that I have a pretty interesting job, grateful that I get to travel, grateful for food on the table.
And now I will spend the rest of the night being grateful because I’m breathing, I’m living, I’m loving, very well.
I never understood how forehead kisses can feel so special. Magical even. Maybe it’s the way he looks into your eyes before he leans forward. Or maybe it’s the way he pulls you closer at your waist. Maybe it’s just how his soft lips caresses your face.
Eyes closed, you smile like you’re 3 years old again. Butterflies in your stomach, you feel like you’re the luckiest girl in the world. Safe and warm, in his arms, and there’s nowhere else you’d rather be.
Is this the guy whom you’re going to spend the rest of your life with? How scary that sounds, but at that moment, when he leans in and pulls you close, you’re fearless. You hold him tight, and as long as he is by your side, nothing seems too difficult to overcome.
Photo source: Instagram @joalong_
One morning you wake up and realize, it’s never going to be the same again. You tried. You tried to talk to him. You tried to make things work. But deep down inside, you just know, this is it, the end.
You feel that slight sense of loss, because you know, he was the one. And now, you just have to let it all go. Deep inside, you still have a slight glimmer of hope that one day he would come back, but most of it has died. Because, you know he won’t.
The thing is, you still miss him. You know it won’t work out, it never would. Nevertheless, you can’t help but miss him. He lingers in your mind before you fall asleep, and he wakes you up in your dreams.
What do you do now? You try to stop missing him, but it won’t go away. That melancholiness swells up in you. Because you know.
No matter who else comes by, he will always take up that small tiny space in your heart that no one can ever take away. Because he was that special, and always will be.
“Claire told me.”
For the first time, today, you mentioned her name. Who is this girl? Yes, it got me anxious. More anxious than I should be.
“Claire came over today. She got me lunch.”
“Ahh, that’s so sweet of her!” Well, I can too.
Once, twice, thrice, and more. Her name started appearing more frequently in our conversations, and honestly, I didn’t like it. I hated it. Stop talking about her, I don’t want to know.
“So what did she bring you this time?”
“Steak and baked potatoes. I love steak.”
It killed me to see his eyes beaming. It was like I was having a physical battle in my mind. My inner bitch starts to curse at her, while I continue smiling at him.
As he continued to speak of her, I could feel it. He reminded me of someone. Me. He reminded me of myself. When I speak about him to my friends, this is how I look. My eyes shine, my lips can barely not break into a smile, and sometimes I get too excited. Because of him. And now him, because of Claire. Because of that girl. No.